Rebel Heroes and Rebellion
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Our sense of hero-hood is an aspect of our sense of self. What happens, then, when we feel that someone else is attacking our sense of self or our sense of autonomy and independence? If we perceive it as a serious and/or ongoing threat, we fight back. This is, for example, exactly what is occurring when children and teens have their times of rebellion against parents and other authority figures. It is almost always the search for autonomy. For those of us who have been ensnared by a manipulator or ultra-authority, we did not realize we were losing our autonomy at the time. Because of the way we were attacked, we were in essence lulled into believing that we still retained autonomy even as it was being insidiously stripped from us. What a shock it was for me, and possibly for you as well, to discover how little autonomy I had left when I saw my ultra-authority for what he truly was! When we disaffiliate from a manipulator or ultra-authority and we discover how we have been deceived into giving up our autonomy, we can enter into a continual stance of rebellion against that manipulator even though the attack is no longer currently active on the manipulator's part. Our autonomy has been threatened, and damaged, and we will fight to keep what sense of autonomy we have intact. Over an extended period of time, any continual stance of rebellion, no matter the cause, can become habitual. In fact, our sense of hero-hood may become focused - not on what truly makes us feel fulfilled - but on the fight against the manipulator, manipulation in general, or even authority in general. The Rebel Hero almost always has one of three goals. One of these goals is to destroy or harm the authority. This Rebel takes pride in, feels powerful, and feels in control when they see themselves as hurting the enemy…the one(s) who they perceive as threatening their autonomy. At times this urge can be so strong that it takes over the person's life, driving them to extremes no matter how self-destructive those extremes may be. In other situations, the impulse to harm or hurt the authority takes a much lower-level form, with the Rebel continually sniping at or being passive aggressive with the authority when the opportunity presents itself. A second possible goal is that of proving themselves to the authority. In this type of rebellion, the Rebel is more or less secretly, possibly even subconsciously, hoping that if they can only prove their worth to the authority figure, the authority will laud them, approve of them, welcome them, and/or raise them to equal status with the authority. This goal is often seen in children and youths as they fight to be recognized as adults, but it is not limited to that situation. The third possible goal is that of the Rebel proving themselves better than the authority. These Rebels seek to outdo the authority at their own game, as perceived by the Rebel. This could take the form of the Rebel seeking to become stronger, prettier, smarter, or more religious, of higher social status, with more earning power, have a bigger house, or faster car than the authority. Life becomes a contest, and this Rebel cannot see that they have made themselves into nothing more than a contestant. This Rebel wants to become the authority's authority…without realizing that in attempting to do this, they lose who they themselves are. In many cases, the Rebel Hero may confuse reaction against authority as being freedom from enslavement to outside authority; in other words, they may confuse rebellion with autonomy. It seems that this confusion may be especially true for those who grew up in a manipulative family situation, or who never developed a clear sense of autonomy before entering into a highly manipulative relationship. There are problems with remaining a Rebel Hero. First, it keeps us engaged in a form of relationship with the manipulator. We are not taking action through self-determination, but rather we are still reacting to the manipulator and seeking to hurt or prove ourselves to that manipulator. We cannot achieve autonomy because we cannot objectively make decisions based solely on what is good for us or what we desire without reference to the manipulator. We have not dismissed them from our lives. The second problem is that being a Rebel is simply, in the long run, unfulfilling. Yes, it can provide a focus when it seems we have none, and yes, there can be satisfaction derived from gaining vengeance. But ultimately, these are things gained at the expense of the totality of who we truly are; we are not just a product of the manipulative relationship we experienced. The Rebel Hero can and often will mask our true sense of hero-hood. We forget or never take the time to discover what really makes us the hero of our own story, not just an avenger within the manipulator's story. We cannot move forward to becoming the true hero type we are until we are ready to let go of any rebellion-based relationship we might be maintaining. This is true not only with rebellion against our former manipulator or ultra-authority, but also any other leftover rebellion-based relationships. Since the basis of rebellion is the need for autonomy and self-determination, once we have consciously taken up the task to become self-determined and have begun moving in that direction, the need for rebellion declines. The more actively we search to find out who we are separate from others including outside authorities, the more we think through, weigh issues, and build our own ethical structure, and the more we seek to discover what we find exciting and enticing to us, the more self-guided we become and the less the approval or sanction of others is needed for our stability and happiness. In essence, we are in the process of gaining our own approval and sanctioning our own life.
This is not to say that we should not listen to others outside ourselves. To close off from
the thoughts and opinions of others is to limit ourselves. How much richness in life we would
miss if we did not allow the interchange of ideas, culture, music, art, stories and more.
Rather, we need to recognize that other people may have valuable ideas or knowledge. We need
to recognize that they are the heroes of their own stories, just as you are the hero of yours.
It is a balance, a narrow path we walk allowing us access to the world around us, and the
world having access to us, while at the same time maintaining personal integrity…maintaining
the solidity of our own sense of self and autonomy.
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