Set Your Limits of Tolerance
|
|
Text and Artwork:
|
Limits of tolerance ...what does that mean? In our society it is considered by many that the ideal is to be very tolerant of differences between individuals. Should we limit this tolerance? Absolutely not. But what we do need to do is build limits in regards to the kinds of behaviors and attitudes we will accept from someone who is in or attempting to build a relationship with us. Will you tolerate a lover lying to you? What lies are acceptable (if any) and which are not? Will you tolerate an employer selling your contact information as part of a mailing list? Have you even thought about this kind of thing? You may not like a behavior, but will tolerate it within a relationship. For some things, such as whether or not a spouse keeps their magazine pile straight all the time, the consequences and underlying dynamic are benign. For other things, however, the behavior may well be indicative of very real underlying problems. Let's look at an example. Two people, we'll designate them as G1 and G2, have been on three dates. During the fourth date, G1 sees a friend and waves from across the restaurant. G2 immediately bristles slightly. "Who was that?" -- G1: "Just a friend." -- G2: "Are you seeing them, too?" -- G1: "No...scheeze!" -- G2 looks apologetic and strokes G1's hand: "I just love you so much it makes me crazy to think of you seeing anybody else. I'm sorry." Do you tolerate this jealousy or break off the relationship? Jealousy is never a good sign. To see such a display of jealousy, even though quickly over, points to some very serious problems on the part of G2. Eventually, the relationship between G1 and G2 will have difficulties and may become destructive if the relationship continues and as long as G2's jealousy remains. Other "nasties" to watch out for are insecurity, possessiveness, demanding, and polarized attitudes and/or intolerance of differences between people (often shows up as sexism, racism, ageism, and so forth). They are the symptoms of deeper problematic issues. Not everyone who demonstrates these characteristics will be an extreme manipulator or an ultra-authority. Even so, all of them will have troubled interpersonal relationships simply because they themselves are not psychologically health. Do not think that such problems are easily cleared up, nor that they will clear up on their own. Depending on how deeply rooted the underlying problem is, the individual will need to do some real and truthful soul-searching or they may even need professional help (and do a lot of hard work themselves) to bring themselves to a healthy state. On the other hand, there are people who do deliberately manipulate others and teach their followers to do the same (having first built of the 'need' for such ploys in the minds of their followers/affiliates). One of the things manipulators count on is that most people have not built solid mental fences about what they will and will not tolerate from others. For example, would you tolerate a teacher or mentor that humiliated you? Would you leave and find a different teacher, or would you accept the "reason" that the first teacher gave you for the humiliation? The reasons will always sound plausible if coming from a conscious manipulator. (The excuses and reasons given will often sound plausible even if the person is unconsciously manipulating!) Would you stay in the situation (tolerate it) if you witnessed an employer or pastor humiliating others? The bottom line in all cases is simply this: Do you tolerate behaviors and attitudes from others which show disrespect towards you (or others) as a person? Do you demand to be respected? To have your thoughts and feelings respected? To have your background, education, and experience respected? You don't have to have come from the rich side of town, have a PhD, or have climbed the Himalayas to have these aspects of yourself respected! They are a part of you, your viewpoint, and your understanding: it doesn't matter if you grew up dirt poor, have a 6th grade education, or have lived in the same small town all your life. They, as a part of you, are worthy of respect. One who does not respect you is not worthy of your tolerance; you owe them no personal attention, no excuse-making, and no acknowledgment of them outside any formal contact you may have to maintain (such as in the case of a co-worker). The truth behind the ideal of tolerance mentioned at the beginning of this article is exactly this same concept: respect. To tolerate differences such as physical abilities, backgrounds, cultures, and and lifestyles is to be respectful of these differences. To tolerate disrespect is to undermine all good that the ideal of tolerance has begun.
Respect; because we're worth it!
|