Friendship
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In the past I have tried different ways to get others to be friends with me: Helping, Listening, Generosity, and even (egads!!!! I knew better!!!!), Looking Good. Of course, none of these things have really made anyone else into a friend. In fact, they have backfired badly on me...sometimes more subtly than at other times, but badly in all cases, nonetheless. So first, I must ask myself a question....What is real friendship? I hear about friendship a lot...there are all sorts of TV shows depicting supposed friends interacting with each other...people call each other friend easily and quickly. But is all of that really friendship? Not to me. Through a lot of trial and error, through a lot of painful interaction, I have come to a sharpened awareness of what a friend really is. And a lot of what I hear called "being friends" simply does not fit into my definition of "friendship". 'Okay, fine,' you may say. 'Then what, Beth, is your definition of friendship?' Well, first I'd like to weed out the things I see getting confused for friendship, but that aren't it. I see a continuum of various levels of social closeness: Acquaintanceship, Companionship, Comradeship, and then...finally...Friendship. It's rather strange how we automatically begin calling a new acquaintance a friend, just because they act friendly. Being friendly, as the word is used, really has very little with the core, the depth of being a friend. It is really nothing more than a happy, welcoming style of politeness. Sure, friends are usually warm and welcoming, too, but people make this automatic jump from pleasantness to friendship without checking to see if that is what it really is. Or in other words, just because you are treating me nicely and I happen to know your name does not make me into your friend. It means I have the beginning of an idea of who you are, but not enough to say that I are more than an acquaintance. But let's say we do more than acknowledge each other's existence in a pleasant manner. We get to talking and find out we share some things in common. Perhaps we even met in the first place because we share a common interest and are both members of the same club or interest-related group. While we're there, we like hanging out with each other... We like each other's company, even though we still really don't know much more about each other than the surface things. We have reached the status of hang-out buddies, we are sharing companionship. Similar, but I think generally deeper, there is the comradeship that develops between people who are working towards a common goal or for a common cause. Comrades-in-arms, whether part of the military, co-workers in a manufacturing plant, or support staff for MR group homes, often share a bonding due to the specific stresses of the work that they are both undergoing at the same time. Because they understand the stresses of the job and/or situation that they are under, they are able to clearly understand those stresses that the other person is also under. Even so, that connection is not friendship. It is limited and does not mean you have an understanding of the other person as a whole. You only are understanding one aspect. Understanding is a key concept here. In all my observations, in all my ponderings, it consistently appears that there can not be a true friendship without first building understanding. You will undoubtedly have a much harder time caring about something (and someone) if you cannot understand it/them at all. Ironically, however, it also appears that the closest friendships can be between people who are very, very different. For example, Alex and I have a very strong friendship, but I think in completely different ways than she does. Her mind assesses things using a much more mathematical type of approach, while my own approach tends to be more of a synthesis...which in turns appears to me to be related to visual interpretations of data. There is a great deal of understanding between us...we have shared many similar experiences as well as literally sharing experiences (having done things together). We have also helped each other understand each other, so that although we do not primarily think like the other does, we can (usually) follow each other in our thoughts. In this respect, having the dissimilar as well as the similar helps keep things interesting. We can both understand and be completely mystified at the same time...or so it sometimes seems, lol. And so we finally come to my definition of friendship. Deep, genuine caring, concern and a willingness to act to the benefit of the friend even without any obvious rewards or returns. Because of these prerequisites, there will also be a subsequent amount of thought given to your friend...you will take them and their own wants, needs, and preferences as well as your own into account whenever both of you are involved. You will, by the nature of friendship, be considerate of them. This is what it means to be a friend. Even though there is difference, there is also still harmony. There may be differences in styles of thought and being, but the lines of the melody, so to speak, will be traveling in the same direction and show a similarity in choices. In moral fiber, perhaps would be one way to say it. There will be, for all the differences, very distinct similarities in values, worldviews, and personal development goals. One final note on friendship. Defining friendship as caring, concern and a willingness to act on behalf of one's friend has another context as well. In this context, being one's own friend is thoroughly healthy and in my opinion a necessity. If you cannot be a friend to yourself first, you cannot truly be a friend to anyone else. This especially true since it takes understanding in order to care. This means you must understand your own self in order to care about yourself...that first important step towards real friendship. You cannot jump that task to be a true friend to another, who you will almost certainly understand even less than you understand yourself. I respectfully submit that being a friend, whether or no another person is ever a friend back, is one of those important milestones on the road of living a successful and rich life. Trying to earn another person's friendship is not the way to go. It is not as important to have friends...it is important to be a friend. Be a friend to yourself first; the others will find you as they are ready. |